You are not hopeless

As yet another celebrity suicide hits the headlines, people have once again been discussing what it means to take your own life. Some describe it as a "waste", others a "mystery", many as a "tragedy" but, in quiet corners, there are other groups of people: those who see it as an "appealing option". Today on The Good Book Blog we meet one Christian who sought suicide, tried suicide but is now praising God for her life.

When did you first think of ending it all?

I was very young when I started to think about death. I remember being in primary school and wanting everything to end. I was academically bright, had some good friends, came from a relatively affluent family and had hobbies galore but beneath the seemingly average childhood there was great pain. There was bullying, there was abuse and there was fear. It didn't take me long to reach the point of realising that I didn't like my life.

What did you do with all those feelings?

I imported them into a fantasy life. It didn't occur to me that life could ever change for the better - I didn't realise, when I was that small, that it was actually possible to take my own life - and so I just dreamt about what it was like to be dead. I had no real frame of reference for my dreams, I just made up how wonderful I thought it might be to cease to exist on earth.

What impact did those fantasies have on you?

Allowing the fantasies to grow quietly over a period of years was desperately dangerous. The abuse I had been through encouraged me to think of myself as a worthless worm who no-one would miss because no-one could love. Repeatedly indulging my fantasies reinforced the lie that death was the only ways to escape those horrible feelings. By the time I went off to university and for the first time was in a completely safe environment where I could seek help for the wounds of the past (and there really were people who wanted to help) I had already made up my mind that there was no point in trying - suicide was the one thing that would bring true relief.

So what did you do?

I got some tablets, I got some drink and I took the lot. I didn't bother with a note. I didn't tell anyone what I was planning on doing. I just sat in my bedroom and tried to stop my world.

Were you a Christian at the time?

Yes. A young Christian but a Christian nevertheless. The Christianity I had understood gave me forgiveness for the past and hope for the future but I hadn't really grasped that the cross could make a real difference to life in the here and now. It didn't occur to me that God would want me to stop what I was doing and stay alive. I wanted my life to end, it would seem cruel for him to deny me what I wanted most I mused.

But God did want you alive ...

He certainly did. And he made sure it happened. I got an overwhelming urge to phone a lovely married couple from church. Maybe that was me showing signs of doubt about my actions - maybe it was God nudging me to do what honoured him - maybe it was both. Either way, within minutes I was on my way to accident and emergency for an evening of drips, blood tests, charcoal drinks and more.

How did you feel the next morning?

Embarrassed! I was embarrassed that I had failed in my bid. I was embarrassed that people now knew how deep my depression and pain truly was. I was embarrassed about having to talk about the past with medical doctors, psychiatrists, nurses and friends. I was embarrassed about letting God down. I don't think I have ever felt more worthless. But in between all that there was a glimmer of a thought that maybe God wanted me alive, though who knew why.

What happened next?

There was counselling, there was prayer, there was Bible study, there were tears, there were confused questions from friends wanting to know why I hadn't asked for help... And there was great conflict in me. Gradually it became clear that Jesus loved me - not because I was good but because he had simply chosen to do so and there was nothing I could do, no depths I could sink, to change his mind! He had died so I could have life to the full and wanted me to use my gifts in the service of the church until such time as he chose to call me home. That was a stark contrast to my personal beliefs that I was unloveable, hopeless, worthless and eager to die. Those two views of myself were in direct opposition - something had to give.

What did give?

Everything! There were days when I doggedly held on to my view of myself and actively pursued the fantasy of a blissful death - I tried to take my life more than once. But there were other days when I had to acknowledge that God does not mess up and get things wrong, therefore, if he chooses to love me and adopt me and give me gifts to use in his Kingdom, then who am I to tell him he's stuffed up? It was a real wrestle - one that lasted many years - and I am grateful to the people around me who stood by me through such turbulent times. But in the end, I reached the point when I fell to my knees and said "OK, Lord - I'm not going to find this easy, but I am going to trust you. Help me move away from the way I see myself to the way you see me. Help me seek life not death".

Was that the turning point?

That was the biggest turning point, yes - it was the moment I stopped fighting God and committed myself to thinking and acting in line with his desires for my life rather than my desires for my life. From that point on, things started to fall into place. I didn't instantly see myself with a perfect biblical lens, it was only little by little that my view of myself came more in line with what the Bible says, but from that point on there was exciting growth (of course, with a few bad days thrown in!)

Did that mean you stopped thinking about suicide?

It means I changed the way I thought about suicide. As I came to trust God more, I came to see thoughts of suicide for what they truly are - temptations to wander away from God. That meant I started to battle them rather than indulge them. And as I came to see myself as loved, valued and full of purpose, I came to see that real life was far more appealing than ending it all at my own hand. Suicidal thoughts still pop up from time to time - especially at times of extreme stress - I guess, over the years, I have trained my brain to think about suicide when the pressure is on and it's hard to get out of that habit - but as I have grown, the thoughts of suicide have eased quite considerably. Most of the time they can be dispelled with prayer - on the harder days, I have good friends to whom I can turn for some wise counsel, additional prayer and hope.

Do you genuinely have hope now?

Absolutely - yes. I have a far more realistic view of myself now. I still sin - but I know I'm forgiven. I still get things wrong but I know that doesn't make me useless or worthless. I still hurt but I know God comforts and strengthens me and is never going to stop. That means that even though it's far from perfect and the depression still lurks, I can like my life now and look forward to the future with confidence.

So, what would you say to those who are feeling suicidal now?

Life's painful, I know. Sometimes life hurts so much that wanting to escape is completely understandable. But it's not the answer. It's not the way. You are not out of reach of God's love. You are not without purpose in life. You are not without hope. Circumstances can change. Past hurts can be addressed. Patterns of thinking can change. And, while life may continue to bring struggles of many kinds, the Lord is the God of all comfort, equipping and strength. So you can choose to stay alive. Talk to a friend at church - please talk to them today. Talk to your GP or a biblical counsellor too - medication can help. And start the process of transformation that, in the hands of the Holy Spirit, can bring some great change now and will end up with wonder and perfection when God says the time is right. There's nothing special about my journey. I'm just a messed-up girl who's loved by the King of the universe. And in the hands of an awesome God, the biggest messes can begin to turn around.