Is It Okay for Men to Ask For Help after Miscarriage?

 
Eric Schumacher | July 28th 2022

I found attending church after miscarriage an uncomfortable experience.

Women would make their way to my wife to express their condolences and ask how she was doing. Most men simply gave either a greeting or a handshake, engaging in conversation as though nothing had happened. A few expressed their sorrow for our loss. Only one man hugged me.

When men did broach the subject of the miscarriage, it was generally to ask how my wife was doing. Few, if any, asked how I was.

Many hold an unspoken belief that miscarriage is the mother’s loss, not the father’s. Fathers don’t carry babies, and so, it seems, they aren’t expected to grieve. If they do mourn, it shouldn’t be as deeply as the mother. The father’s role is to care for his wife and, if applicable, the rest of the family. He should need no time to tend to his own heart.

Men Often Feel They Have to Do It All after Miscarriage

With this mindset, a father may attempt to take on all the household duties as his wife recovers. He tries to carry alone what was once a two-person job. It rarely works out smoothly—in fact, it often looks like a comedy film about a father left alone with the kids. We  shouldn’t expect to succeed.

Trying to do alone what I cannot do alone is not only proud or foolish; it fails to serve others and honor God.

God gave us our wives for a reason—we need them. When your wife is recovering from a miscarriage, you notice your need for her everywhere. That need does not go away while she rests and recovers. So, you have two choices—go it alone or ask for help.

It’s Hard to Ask For Help

Before the advent of smartphones and map apps, we had to use paper maps or ask people for directions. There was a common joke that men would never stop to ask for directions. They would sooner run out of gas than admit they were lost. Such behavior often stems from an unhealthy view of manhood that forbids admitting weakness.

We wonder if it is ok to ask for help, to tell others what we need. Isn’t that selfish? Weak? Unspiritual?

Trying to do alone what I cannot do alone is not only proud or foolish; it fails to serve others and honor God. God did not intend for us to be alone. He designed us to display his glory in a community.

When I refuse to ask for help—whether in caring for my heart or in doing household chores—I fail to glorify God. Moreover, I end up neglecting those I’m trying to serve. I even harm myself by refusing to ask for care. All that because I am too proud to ask for help. 

The Biblical Reason to Ask For Help

Luke 10:17-11:26 is full of reasons to ask for help—reasons that I, and perhaps you, need to hear.

Jesus tells the story of a man robbed and beaten as he traveled from Jerusalem to Jericho. Two men saw him and passed by, keeping their distance. But a Samaritan man stopped and showed compassion. When Jesus concludes the parable, he asks which of the three men proved to be a neighbor. The answer, we learn, is “the one who showed mercy to him” (Luke 10:37).

To be a neighbor is to see someone in need, have compassion, and care for them.

The Samaritan showed compassion. He cared for the man himself—tending his wounds, bringing him to an inn, staying the night with him. He also paid the innkeeper and asked him to take care of the man until he returned. He helped in every way he could.

You might be thinking, “That’s what I’m doing! I’m showing compassion to my wife and family!” That’s true, I hope. But have you ever thought of how other people might be a neighbor to you?

Being served by Jesus is a non-negotiable; before we can be servants of Jesus, we must be served by Jesus.

We don’t naturally see ourselves as the wounded man lying in the road. But sometimes that is who we are in this story. Sometimes, we are the ones who need help.

You and I are not the only neighbors in the world. God calls every human to be a neighbor. Did the injured man refuse the Samaritan’s assistance? Of course not. But that’s what I’m doing when I don’t ask others to help. I deny them the opportunity to be a neighbor. Now I’m

failing to love two neighbors—the one I’m trying to help while overwhelmed and the one who could help me.

Once, before a meal, Jesus began to wash his disciples’ feet. When Jesus arrived at the feet of Peter, the disciple objected, “You will never wash my feet!” Jesus replied, “If I don’t wash you, you have no part with me” (John 13:1-10).

The starting point of the Christian life is trusting in Christ to serve you—to save you through his death and resurrection. Being served by Jesus is a non-negotiable; before we can be servants of Jesus, we must be served by Jesus.

How to Ask For Help

One of the ways that Jesus continues to serve us is through the gift of neighbors. He did not provide us with neighbors merely so that we could serve them. He also gave us neighbors so that they could serve us. When we refuse to ask for help, we refuse to be served by Jesus.

Our Lord teaches us how to ask for help. “Whenever you pray, say, Father ... Give us each day our daily bread” (Luke 11:3). Even with a provision as mundane as bread, we’re to ask for it. We’re to ask for help, seek help, and knock on doors to get help because we have a heavenly Father who is eager and willing to give us good things (11:5-13).

Jesus did not come for the healthy and the righteous but for the sick and sinful (5:31-32). He came to be merciful to the weak and needy. Why not ask God to help you right now? 

Whether it’s your broken heart, spiritual dryness, or physical exhaustion, tell him your needs. 

Ask him to provide neighbors to help you. Ask him for the humility to ask for help. He’s more than happy to help.


This article is a sample from Ours by Eric Schumacher, a 31-day devotional giving biblical comfort and practical support to men processing miscarriage. If you are purchasing this book for care packages, you can find bulk deals at thegoodbook.com.

Featured product