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If someone at church has told you that they are deliberately hurting themselves, then you are in a privileged position. If they have shown you (because sometimes it’s easier to show than to speak) you are clearly trusted and valued as a friend or leader.
But even with those facts in mind, it can sometimes be hard to hear that someone you care about is self-harming. And harder still to know how to respond in ways that are loving and wise.
So here are 5 ideas of things that it is helpful to say to someone when they confide in you:
It will have been hard for the person to have confided in you. Thank them for trusting you and speaking with you. Acknowledge that it’s always a privilege to stand alongside brothers and sisters who are struggling.
Take the opportunity to listen to what the person who is self-harming is going through. Listen to their story, non-judgmentally, whatever the twists and the turns of their life.
Reinforce that God loves them – and show them that from Scripture rather than just trotting out the phrase. Remind them that their church family loves them too. Just as Jesus welcomed people from all walks of life and with a whole host of struggles, so should Christians.
Be clear and confident that there is a way out of self-harm, Be realistic that the path of change may be tough … it may include hearing difficult truths from the Bible, being challenged to forgive people who have hurt us, letting go of false beliefs about self & God and persevering through times of temptation, but it is possible. God is in the business of changing his children to be more like Jesus.
Offer to support the person who is struggling. It’s probably best not to offer to be their sole support – biblical pastoral care is a corporate activity not a secret 1:1 pursuit as no one individual has all the gifts necessary to point someone to Jesus all day every day. But it will be great if you can promise to play at least some part in encouraging recovery.
Helen Thorne is Director of Training and Resources at Biblical Counselling UK. She formerly worked with the London City Mission and has written Hope in an Anxious World, Purity Is Possible, Walking with Domestic Abuse Sufferers and 5 Things to Pray for Your City. She attends Dundonald Church in Raynes Park, London.
