“I don’t know what to say…” came the plaintive text. A friend, who had known me for years, who loves me dearly and who genuinely wanted to help was stumped. In the face on my grief they found themselves strangely inert. Desperate to say the right thing. Terrified of saying something wrong. And they weren’t alone.
It can feel profoundly difficult to know what to say to someone who has lost a close family member or friend. Partly because there are no hard and fast rules about what will actually help. But saying something is important. And the reality is, what we say doesn’t need to profound, it just needs to be true and kind!
I’m no expert on grief, just someone who’s had quite a bit of practice at being bereaved this year, but here are 10 phrases that might well be of use if you find yourself struggling for words – my suggestion would be to just pick a couple that you can say naturally and go for it:
1. I’m praying for you
God is a wonderful and generous God and it is such a comfort to know that others are talking to him about our pain.
2. Would you like a lift?
You can feel like a yo-yo. Back and forth to the high street for appointments. To-ing and fro-ing from work at strange times. Lifts can stave off exhaustion and give a good opportunity for brief conversation.
3. Fancy a cuppa and a chat?
Sometimes we need to talk about our loss to someone who is kind enough to sit and listen quietly. Sometimes we need to burble about football or flowers. Both things work well over a hot beverage.
4. God is loving and sovereign
Human beings are forgetful. Especially when life hurts. And a reminder of the consistently loving Kingship of Jesus can be a great way to focus afresh on what is true rather than what feels true. Focusing on the glories of eternal life can be brilliant too .. but if the person who has died wasn’t a Christian, this can be tough ground to tread.
5. Can I help arrange cover for any of your jobs at church?
Sometimes it’s good to keep serving. Sometime we need a break for a little while. Simply asking the question gives the flexibility to do whatever is most appropriate.
6. Would you like to sit in my garden while I’m at work?
There are moments when we just need a bit of space. Home can be full of memories. Work full of to-do lists. And church … well, full of people! Being offered a quiet place to sit, think, pray and cry can be so precious.
7. What can you be thankful for today?
I’ll admit, I did find this one irritating at times. But it can help so much! Having others encourage us to say thank you to God for his many good gifts - even while struggling with the fact that he has decided to take away some precious things too – can be transformational.
8. Can I bring you a meal?
A simple meal can be a great comfort and reduce the pressure of daily living. But only when it’s wanted! Meals just spontaneously appearing can often end up in the recycling bin and create a mountain of washing up.
9. Would you like to pray and read the Bible together?
Probably best not to suggest a 3-hour prayer marathon but it can be such an encouragement to read a few verses of Scripture and pray short, simple prayers with a brother or sister in Christ. Especially as doing this alone can be so hard.
10. Love you!
Well, we all need to hear that from time to time, don’t we?!
