Being a carer: the struggles

It really is a privilege to care for those who struggle. To show God’s love to friends and family in their hour of need is a wonderful thing. But anyone who has been a carer for more than a few days knows that a sense of privilege isn’t always the dominant feeling. There’s a whole range of other emotions that swirl around too. What struggles do carers face? Here are just a few:

• Tiredness. Caring for others isn’t a 9-5 occupation. Days can start early in the morning, finish late at night and involve a host of calls during the night. Medication needs administering; the paralysed need turning to avoid bed-sores; people call out in agony or confusion. And, while respite breaks are available for some, they are not available to all. Sometimes caring is a 365 day a year role. One day off a week simply isn’t an option. Exhaustion creeps in quickly.
• Guilt. There are very few of us who stay chirpy when we’re tired. The more tired we get, the slower, more grouchy and more unsympathetic we become. At best tiredness leads to not being able to do as much for the unwell person as would be ideal. At worst it leads to unkind words – sometimes unkind actions too. Either way it often leads to guilt. Guilt for care left undone – guilt for lack of compassion given.
• Isolation. If the care-giving role is a full-on one, there can be little time for socializing. Sometimes it’s almost impossible to leave the house. When free, sometimes carers just want to sleep. And few people pop in. The carers world can become very small. Even if the care given is fairly low-level, there is always sacrifice. People simply can’t be in 2 places at once so time with friends – or time at church - often takes a back seat.
• Identity. We know the truth. Our identity is in Christ not in our jobs or our social status. But that doesn’t make it easier to answer the “So, what do you do?” question on those occasions carers do make it to social gatherings. What do I do? I change incontinence pads … try to stop mother from running down the street naked … wash sheets, twice daily. No matter how worthy that calling is, it somehow doesn’t seem to measure up to “I’m an accountant, doctor or electrician”. “Who am I?” is a key questions with which many carers wrestle.
• Poverty. Full time carers can rarely work. Benefits are basic. Money is tight. Even on those rare occasions when they do get to go out, there may be little they can afford to do.
• Perspective. At times, struggles with identity catapult people towards creating a persona for themselves that borders on the messianic. Carers can become convinced that they are the only ones who can help, the only people competent enough to make decisions for the cared-for person. In an out of control world, they can grasp control of their situation and block out all forms of help. It’s rarely intentional – it’s always destructive.
• Grief. At times, this is literal bereavement as the cared-for person passes away but more often it is grief over the loss of career, loss of opportunities for marriage, loss of opportunities for education or involvement in ministry, loss of friendships, loss of any number of goals.

This list isn’t exhaustive but it’s a taster of some of the difficulties carers can come up against every day. And the longer someone acts as a carer, the harder the difficulties can feel. But the good news for them – and the rest of the church – is that there are plenty of ways that their brothers and sisters in Christ can help!