In recent years, there has been a swathe of stories reporting the alleged involvement of celebrities in child molestation. The behaviour of a small number of paedophiles has been scrutinized online and a watching world has been left feeling sickened. Silhouettes of victims on newsreels tearfully tell of trauma past and the ongoing struggles of a life ruined forever. The awfulness of such stories can barely be quantified.
In quiet conversations in churches around the globe, there are Christians who tell their stories too … those who know just what it feels like to be sexually abused as a child. They know how deep the pain pierces. They have shared in the tears that flow for so many years. But, in Christ, they can testify to a different ending. The abuse can never be forgotten but theirs is not a life ruined forever. They know the reality of a life being rebuilt. Today, on The Good Book Blog, we hear from one such survivor:
How old were you when the abuse began?
I was just 8. My abuser was a family friend and came to our home frequently. My parents’ trusted him implicitly and saw no problem with him babysitting when they needed to go out.
What impact did the abuse have on you when it first started?
Initially there was no impact at all. That probably sounds strange but abusers have an odd way of making you feel special. The “games” they ask you to play don’t hurt at first. The “secrets” they share with you make you feel as if you’re the most important person in the world. The presents they buy, in exchange for your silence, have a certain appeal. But, of course, that didn’t last …
How did things change?
It didn’t take long for the threats to begin. It didn’t take long for the abuse to escalate. Soon I spent my life in terror – scared he would come round, even more scared I would be sent round to his home, and petrified that my parents would find out. He had convinced me I would be in so much trouble, considered such a piece of dirt, if my actions with him ever came to light.
And then?
And then I started numbing the pain. I got drunk, I self-harmed, anything to dull my life. I withdrew from friendships, told myself I could trust no-one. I shirked my studies, I gave up on all hope.
How did you view God at this time?
I came from a family that lived on the fringes of a church but I went to church often enough to believe that God was real and supposed to care. The trouble is, that didn’t fit with my experience. God was letting all this pain happen in my life. That was no way for a heavenly Father to act. I decided there were only two options: either Christianity was a lie or the claims of Christianity didn’t apply to me. In some way I was outside of the loving, saving grace of Jesus.
What happened when the abuse stopped?
9 years later I found the strength to fight back. I was fed up with being a doormat existing for another’s pleasure, so I hit him. He hesitated for a moment – I think he was weighing up whether he could use violence to make me submit – but I was getting older and stronger, I think he knew he had lost me. For about an hour there was relief and triumph but then I crashed. I sat in my room and shook. I sobbed, I rocked from side to side and then I went completely out of control. Drink, drugs, self-abuse, promiscuity – you name it, I did it. Self-destruct was my default setting for the next few years. I felt so very worthless and full of shame.
And then you became a Christian …
A Christian couple from church took me under their wing. Their love for me was incredible. I was foul-mouthed, chaotic, frequently intoxicated and yet the invitations to dinner kept coming. They loved me and I couldn’t work out why. Then they invited me to church and I discovered the answer – they were able to love me, because Jesus first loved them. After 7 months of sobering up and getting stuck into God’s word, I realized that Jesus loved me too. Bad circumstances don’t mean God is bad – they mean God is needed.
How did your relationship with Jesus change things?
Slowly! Jesus is gracious and kind in the way he deals with his children. Little by little he unpicked the lies I had been believing about myself and God. I learned that I was loved, then I started to believe I was loved, then I started to feel loved. I saw that I was called to more than a life of being used for sex – I started to see holiness set out in the Bible, started to believe it was possible (in the power of the Spirit) and started to exercise self-control in my relationships. I began to learn that God wanted me to talk to him about everything, so I told him how hurt I was, how angry I was and how confused I was, how much in need of his healing … and he listened and comforted me. I confided in my sisters in Christ and they encouraged me not to bottle things up but to let out my feelings and then move on to a new life. I started to trust some of the men around me and discovered that most of them don’t hurt me. Having a loving Saviour, who is active in changing me in every part of my life and who has surrounded me with people who care, has been transformational – bit by bit.
And now?
Now life is good. I haven’t forgotten the abuse. I still have issues with men in authority (seriously, I hate to feel pressured into doing anything so God is still working on me there!). But mine is certainly not a tale of a life ruined forever – I have a great time with great friends and have great hope because I am in love with a great God. He is healing my past, softening my hardened heart and freeing me up for a life focused on him, in partnership with my church family which is just wonderful.
So what would you say to those who are struggling with past abuse?
Don’t believe the lie that your life has to be ruined forever. What we have been through is awful, disgusting, vile but Jesus’ suffering means that we can be freed from the effects of that sin. It’s a long journey, a slow one, a painful one – it will involve risking things like trusting others (which will be hard) and it will involve setting aside some long-held defences that have brought us protection in the past (and that’s scary) but it will be worth it. No matter how tough life has been, there is always hope …
