We've all been there. That moment when we inwardly flinch with the pain. That moment when someone we care about says something that cuts to the quick. Maybe they meant to wound, maybe they were trying to be helpful but either way the hurt runs deep and it mars the next few minutes, if not hours or days ... Sometimes such interactions leave us angry or despondent, on other occasions resolving to keep our distance in the future. All too often we allow the feelings to fester and, let's face it, that never ends well - it certainly never ends up glorifying Jesus.
So how can we simply and faithfully work through the pain? One way is to work through the P-A-I-N!
Pray and praise:
Hurtful comments frequently distort our perspective on life. They encourage us to believe things about God, his world and ourselves that simply aren't true. Step one is to get a proper perspective back in view. If we are following Christ, we are chosen, forgiven, secure, adored, guided, blessed, equipped, growing and so much more... It's worth reminding ourselves of just how privileged we are, just how many gifts have been poured into our lives and what a wonderful future we have ahead of us. Ephesians 1 is a wonderfully centring passage and definitely worth reading time and again. Asking for God's help to see the situation as he sees it is a good plan too. Any pain needs to be viewed through the lens that we are precious children of a sovereign God living in a fallen world.
Ask and analyse:
Since the entrance of sin into the world in Genesis 3, people have hurt and been hurt by each other and it's going to stay like this until Jesus returns. When that wounding hits, there are three possibilities. 1. The person who spoke was being sinful. 2. We were being sinful. And most likely, 3. We were both being sinful! In any given situation it's worth thinking about what the other person did wrong (most of us tend to be quite good at this bit) and what we did wrong (do I detect a little reluctance here? I know there is in me!). Did the person who spoke to us say something untrue or unloving? Were they gossiping? Did they have a malicious intent? Was their motivation to make themselves look good and put us down? If so, they sinned! But on the flip side, did we provoke them? Did we fail to keep our word and not do something they asked of us? Do we hold their opinion in too high a regard or expect them to give us the endless love that can, in fact, only come from God? Were we disappointed in them because they failed to meet some unrealistic ideal that we hold? If so, then our sin is at play too. Step 2 is to think through the situation, ask tough questions of ourselves and analyse where the sin truly sits.
Interact and instruct:
Time to get the Bible out again and get stuck into it. Why? It is in the pages of Scripture that we find the call to repent of our sins (Psalm 51 is a great template prayer for saying sorry to God) and the call to forgive those who wound us (the Lord's prayer is such a wonderful reminder of that duty and joy). It is in Scripture that we find our call to pray for those who hurt us and love those who cause us pain (Matthew 5:43-48). And it is in the pages of Scripture that we meet Jesus, the God-man who can equip us to do all these things in his strength through his loving, saving grace. Step 3 is to remind ourselves of what God asks of us in our pain and remind ourselves of the comfort and strength he provides to do the right thing.
Nurture and nourish:
Reminded of how loved and secure we are, humbly conscious of our sins as well as our pain, and fuelled with the strength to follow Jesus even in this situation, we can nourish our relationship with the person whose words have pierced so deeply. There will be times when it is appropriate to speak the truth in love. We can talk things over with the other person - apologise for our part, encourage repentance from them, think strategically about how similar situations can be avoided in the future - but it certainly isn't necessary to discuss every painful conversation we experience (doing that could overwhelm our lives with un-necessary discourse and emotional angst). On other occasions, we can simply move towards the other person with refreshed love - treating them with kindness, gentleness, wisdom, tenderness that extends far beyond what they deserve. That means acting in ways that put their needs above ours - whether they would benefit from companionship or space; gifts or prayer; a meal or some babysitting to take the pressure off or a card saying how much you appreciate them, we can seize the opportunity to serve. After all, "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" (Matthew 5:46-47). Our call is to radically love and serve those who do not deserve it - just as Jesus has radically loved and served us when we were rebels, outside his Kingdom.
Of course, if the painful comments ever tip over into abuse then we will need to seek additional help. Abuse is always to be challenged and not ignored or excused. But, for those day-to-day moments of pain, why not commit yourself to working through the steps and processing the pain in ways that bring glory to God? Your relationships with him and the people around you will only ever get stronger as a result ...
